i never thought.

I always had notions of the kind of mother I would be. High hopes or perhaps false pretensions of what motherhood really entailed. I never thought I would be that mom.

I never thought I'd have to leave the grocery store mid meltdown. I never thought I'd be limited to the three restaurants in town with playscapes and sandboxes - because surely my kids would be well mannered and sit down to eat anywhere I chose to dine. You know because that was the kind of mom I was going to be. The reality is very different then the picture I'd conjured up of what parenting was all about. Much harder yet much more rewarding. And you know what? The meltdowns and the chaos of eating out, well it's part of the gig, and I never thought it would come so easy, be a new normal.

I never thought I would have a sassy mouthed four year old. I never thought I'd let my firstborn co-sleep for just under three years. Surely, I would not have a three year old who still loved his pacifier. I mean that wasn't the  mom I was going to be. I never thought I'd have all boys or three babies in just four years. I never thought I'd let my kids afternoon dip in the pool count as a bath. And if the pool wasn't enough - I never thought I'd use baby wipes to finish up bath time. I never thought I'd choose v-necks over trendy tops.

I never thought I'd give my kids lots of processed, sugary foods, but damn it sometimes a Capri Sun and a handful of M&M's is all that is getting us through the afternoon. I never thought I'd laugh manically at a tantrum, on the verge of losing all sanity. I never thought I'd serve cereal for dinner. I never knew dinner could be at 5:30 pm or tossed on the floor within thirty seconds. I never thought I'd cook three meals, because NO ONE WANTS TO EAT VEGETABLE STIRFRY.

I never thought I'd buy matching clothes for my kids. I never thought I'd let my child leave the house in one rain boots and one neon orange Croc, because for the love of God we have to get to the preschool play before it ends. I never thought I would never again be on time to any given event. Ever. I never thought I'd hype up the Easter bunny or have to explain the tooth fairy. I never thought I'd love staring in to the magical little twinkle of a little boy's eyes as he retold his encounter of waking up to hidden eggs and a Slinky Dog.

I never thought I'd sit my kids in front of trashy, mindless cartoons. I never thought my kids would slip out a curse word in public. I never thought I'd have a toddler roaming a restaurant with no pants or maybe topless. I never thought I'd enjoy animated movies so much, because they come with holding a soft little man's hand sharing popcorn. I never thought I'd bargain with my kids. Surely, what I said would go. I never thought I'd cave to their begging and fit throwing. I never thought I'd say "If I count to three, before you do xyz....". I never thought I'd actually  be counting ALL DAY LONG.

I never thought the floorboard of my car would be smothered in a trail of crunched goldfish and cheerios. I never thought my fridge would be covered in magnets that randomly moo or quack at me. I never thought I'd be the one picking up fifteen legos or forty eight randomly scattered animal figurines, because the kind of mom I was going to be would have her children cleaning their OWN messes. I never thought I'd love the sight of baby toes, the smell of newborn skin and the bustle of a full day.

I knew I would love my children. I knew I would do what I had to do to parent them.I knew I would be slightly biased and bursting with pride in every small feat they accomplished. But, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would love being a mom so much. I just never thought I would be that mom.

our weekend: snapshot edition

We had an action packed weekend. It was so much fun. We celebrated Fiesta and even though we've lived here pretty much forever, we've never taken Mason to ANY Fiesta events. So 2011 marks his first of many crazy parades outings. He really liked it, it was pretty hot, but surprisingly cool.

Max really loved it, I hesitated on my decision on whether to take him or not but ended up deciding he could join us. He jammed out to every high school band that played, he dug in to his (and everyone elses) snow cone - with his hands. Mason begged for a "chicken wing" which was really a turkey leg, but in all my brilliance I forgot cash. Actually I brought just enough cash for a cheap plastic sword...yup, just one. You know my car ride home was barrels of fun. MEMO TO SELF: TWO OF EVERYTHING (someday I suppose it'll be THREE).

Mason's school parade & pinata  festivities. Even Max got a chance to hit the pinata. He made the most of his two swings, thrusting the stick with every ounce of energy his little body possessed. Apparently Alexander is not amused with this Fiesta business.

We swam.

Grilled.

Then swam again.

We ate lunch in our pj's.

We cracked open cocoons, to collect red berries. This is a very serious occupation when you are four years old. Or so it appears.

Some of us just slept the entire weekend. Okay, really he doesn't sleep that much considering he's a newborn. Or a very small infant. He's more alert and awake more hours of the day then either of the big boys were. He must know if he's asleep he'll miss out on the craziness. And there is a lot of crazy. Obviously.

We played scrabble, sipped Sangria and ventured out to NIOSA (which was quite an adventure).

And then...you guessed it...we swam. SOME MORE.

{1 month}

Alexander,

Wow. It's been an entire month since you were born. It was a quick month sweet guy. You slept a lot of it away, mostly during the days, keeping me up most of the nights. Your at least ten pounds, most of which I believe is being held hostage in your cheeks. Everywhere we go, people stop to comment on your thick head of hair.

You have two dimples. A pair of pouty lips too die for - your bottom lip, oh man, it's going to win you basically anything you want in life. EVER. You legs are so skinny and long, your feet are huge, you hands are soft as can be. The only thing you prefer to sleeping is eating. Though your constant want and need to be fed is taking a lot of my sleep away (and really, one thing I need is a good night's sleep - ask anyone) I love holding you closely while you eat. I take this time to examine your every feature. I study your lips and chin as you suck, you smack your little lips and every single time you eat you lay your hand right between my breasts. You take deep breaths and I've memorized the rhythm of each inhale and exhale.

I have tried to, and am succeeding in savoring (almost) every minute of your newborness. It is fleeting. Each morning when I wake up, a little bit of the newness of your face fades. I'm not sure when a newborn technically becomes an infant, but I think we are about to embark on that milestone. I am so excited to watch you grow, to watch you form a strong bond with your brothers, but I am aware that you are my last chance to relish the firsts. The first smile, the first laugh, the first time you roll over. With your first moments I will be closing a chapter of babyhood, the very last baby. I want to remember the way you clench your fists when you eat or get anxious, the way your ears lay flatly against your head, the way your big toe nails grows in raggedly. I want to remember it all - every detail.

 Sometimes you laugh in your sleep. It starts with just a little smirk, a tease of what is about to come. Then the whimper, the giggle and alas, the smile. You flash both dimples and as quickly as the smile was flaunted, you wipe it away, and silence falls over your face. I'm sure there is some super smart scientific explanation to why tiny newborns do this and maybe it's just involuntary. But I don't want to hear it; it makes my heart want to explode. The sight and sound of you giggling is worth missing sleep for. And trust me, have I mentioned, we are missing some sleep.

Speaking of sleep - you refuse to fall in to a deep slumber, unless your being held or on your belly. You're my very first belly sleeper. And it's against all the pediatrician and parenting rules, this belly sleeping business. But you don't care about any of that. You are a rule breaker.

I'm all over the place in this letter. Not sure what I want to tell you. Except, that you are wonderful. You are adorable. You love to snuggle and although I am not a fan of cuddling, I will cherish every cuddle you will give me. I will nuzzle your soft, plump cheeks. And I will kiss you a thousand times every single day. I want you to know that even though you are not my first baby, you came with a novelty all of your own. You are special to us in the same way both your brothers are, but in a different way too.

I want you to know that in one short, very quick month, you have completely won me over. I love you with every breath in my body. I am so glad you are all mine.

Happy one month Alexander. Thank you for every snuggle, every unintentional giggle, and mostly for cherished and savored moments you've given me. I know we'll have many more firsts together, but they won't be these moments, we'll never have these days back, and while they've been busy and incredibly lazy - they've been fabulous.

Loving you always.
Mama

easter bunny [2011].

So last year, I kind of promised myself I wouldn't attempt an Easter bunny picture. Not because the kids reacted badly - last year they were all smiles, giddy and sat patiently while I snapped a few good pictures. Max was only about 10 months old, so basically wherever he was sat he stayed. This year, well, to put it mildly NOT SO MUCH. 

I should have expected it after his Santa 2010 fiasco. Max is definitely not a fan of the holiday idols. I guess the idea of a giant bunny is a little frightening. Or maybe it's that whack ass smile all wiped across his face. What the hell could possibly be so funny, to a bunny??

Perhaps what is SO funny is this spectacle.

Exhibit A -My children sans "banchee"... I mean, Max.

Exhibit B- Mason and his death grip/choke hold on Max. I did ask him to hold his brother tight. Can you SEE the intensity in that kid's eyes? He took me very, very seriously.

Exhibit C - Max. Just all of it. His reaction to the bunny was pretty hysterical, but I especially love how he's looking AT the bunny, while screamign and reaching for, well anyone else who would take him probably. And that wild, mop of hair. Yeah, he's pretty awesome.

Exhibit D - Alexander slept through it all. I need an Easter bunny material blanket, because home slice is NOT sleeping like that in my house. It almost makes me want to hop in his lap, scoop up my baby and fall asleep snuggling his delicious little self.

But, really I am so glad we went. I'd rather have a picture like this - a real memory then them all fake smiling, sitting patiently. Because that's not how we roll these days, ever. And there I am laughing, but probably really frustrated just wanting Max to sit still for ONE. SECOND. OF THE DAY, really wanting to get a cute, nice picture to show off. But, as usual my plan failed. This is REAL. A real memory.  That is keeping me laughing daily.

lake season

It's that time of year again. Lake season. Time for the boat, the tube, the pools, the palygrounds, the delicious lodge margaritas. Time for a tan. Time for the lake. Our family's very favorite season. We'll be spending lots and lots of our weekends up at the lake. Playing, laughing, soaking up the sun. BECAUSE ITS HERE - IT IS LAKE SEASON!!!

B is for...

Baseball!

Ok, really, T-Ball. Mase started T-ball two weeks ago and can I just say ONE THING - a four year old in baseball pants, oh be still my beating heart. *swoon* It may just be (one of) the cutest things I have ever laid my eyes on. Not only is the attire super delicious, Mason loves it and he's quite the stud on the field. He seems to be best at batting, but runs and slides a lot when it's time to play the field as well.

 

At his first game every time a family member would arrive to cheer him on, he would quickly and eagerly run to the sidelines and show everyone his batting gloves (he is the only four year old with batting gloves, because someone's daddy went overboard with the gear...) and hat. Then of course he did what he does best - flashed us his flawless smile, made some silly faces and ran back to play. I think this might be his sport!

 Big Boy Bike!!

He actually got one for Christmas, but it never really held any interest. First of all it was a blue bike, I mean I should have known to get green. Also, it didn't have pedals OR training wheels. It was a super cool developmentally appropriate bike where you learn to properly balance (you learn to glide then ride). Umm, yeah all that jazz wasn't flying for Mason. He wanted to RIDE and not GLIDE and ASAP. So we set out to Toys R Us and Mason picked a new, very green big boy bike!! He loves it and rode it for a whole hour the first day he got it.

He proudly gave his "little boy bike" to Max. I think he was pretty excited too. Except the peanut can't reach the pedals quite yet. Within ten minutes Max was fighting and whining to ride the big boy bike. He admired (and looked on jealously) Mason flying up and down our street. He ended up settling for running along side Mason all afternoon with the happiest belly laugh I've heard.

Baby toes!

Oh who doesn't love baby feet? We kiss these little toes daily. Maybe even hourly. Alexander has big feet and long skinny toes and I want to eat them up!

Boots!

All Max wants to do is walk around in rain boots.  ALL.DAY. EVERY.DAY.  If you know Max, you know he gets his way. So, boots it is.

B is the letter of the week around here.