Wednesday, April 27, 2011

i never thought.

I always had notions of the kind of mother I would be. High hopes or perhaps false pretensions of what motherhood really entailed. I never thought I would be that mom.

I never thought I'd have to leave the grocery store mid meltdown. I never thought I'd be limited to the three restaurants in town with playscapes and sandboxes - because surely my kids would be well mannered and sit down to eat anywhere I chose to dine. You know because that was the kind of mom I was going to be. The reality is very different then the picture I'd conjured up of what parenting was all about. Much harder yet much more rewarding. And you know what? The meltdowns and the chaos of eating out, well it's part of the gig, and I never thought it would come so easy, be a new normal.

I never thought I would have a sassy mouthed four year old. I never thought I'd let my firstborn co-sleep for just under three years. Surely, I would not have a three year old who still loved his pacifier. I mean that wasn't the  mom I was going to be. I never thought I'd have all boys or three babies in just four years. I never thought I'd let my kids afternoon dip in the pool count as a bath. And if the pool wasn't enough - I never thought I'd use baby wipes to finish up bath time. I never thought I'd choose v-necks over trendy tops.

I never thought I'd give my kids lots of processed, sugary foods, but damn it sometimes a Capri Sun and a handful of M&M's is all that is getting us through the afternoon. I never thought I'd laugh manically at a tantrum, on the verge of losing all sanity. I never thought I'd serve cereal for dinner. I never knew dinner could be at 5:30 pm or tossed on the floor within thirty seconds. I never thought I'd cook three meals, because NO ONE WANTS TO EAT VEGETABLE STIRFRY.

I never thought I'd buy matching clothes for my kids. I never thought I'd let my child leave the house in one rain boots and one neon orange Croc, because for the love of God we have to get to the preschool play before it ends. I never thought I would never again be on time to any given event. Ever. I never thought I'd hype up the Easter bunny or have to explain the tooth fairy. I never thought I'd love staring in to the magical little twinkle of a little boy's eyes as he retold his encounter of waking up to hidden eggs and a Slinky Dog.

I never thought I'd sit my kids in front of trashy, mindless cartoons. I never thought my kids would slip out a curse word in public. I never thought I'd have a toddler roaming a restaurant with no pants or maybe topless. I never thought I'd enjoy animated movies so much, because they come with holding a soft little man's hand sharing popcorn. I never thought I'd bargain with my kids. Surely, what I said would go. I never thought I'd cave to their begging and fit throwing. I never thought I'd say "If I count to three, before you do xyz....". I never thought I'd actually  be counting ALL DAY LONG.

I never thought the floorboard of my car would be smothered in a trail of crunched goldfish and cheerios. I never thought my fridge would be covered in magnets that randomly moo or quack at me. I never thought I'd be the one picking up fifteen legos or forty eight randomly scattered animal figurines, because the kind of mom I was going to be would have her children cleaning their OWN messes. I never thought I'd love the sight of baby toes, the smell of newborn skin and the bustle of a full day.

I knew I would love my children. I knew I would do what I had to do to parent them.I knew I would be slightly biased and bursting with pride in every small feat they accomplished. But, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would love being a mom so much. I just never thought I would be that mom.

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