before there were two.

Our family is about to add a new member and I'm starting to get a little anxious on how it's going to affect the boys. Deep down I know they'll both adjust, love their new baby brother, and things will go fairly smoothly. If they don't I know that the boys will likely never remember this transition down the road. Yet, I find myself thinking about it a lot, more and more the closer we get to the impending birth. And yet, we still have a full month and a half before our new little guy even gets here. It's hard to believe that I'll have three little guys. Three. Before there were three there were just two. But before there were two, there was just one.

 

I remember this anxiety and the unknown. Before Max's birth, I was unsure of how Mason would adapt. Truthfully, I was a little unsure that I could adapt. Wary that I could take on the task of raising two children while loving them both with all my heart. And really until you have two children it's impossible to believe - it's exactly like explaining to an expectant mother how much she really will love her child the minute their slippery little self is laid in her arms. The minute his or her eyes try to open and glare up at you. But you do, you just do. But explaining it and believing it before it happens is like listening to someone swear to you they've seen Big Foot. Right, that's gonna happen. So while I know the minute he arrives, my heart will grow a little bigger, and love will fill the room, I'm still wary and still feeling a little guilty. And then you keep reminding yourself about the one you do have. Or the two. Because before you add more, there are still the other two. The two you love so unbelievably much.

The transition from one to two was kind of earth shattering. At first. Looking back it seems so silly and dramatic, but it was an adjustment that is for sure. I kept thinking how much easier it was to run to the grocery store, to go to a park...to pee. Alone. And I was right it was easier. Just like I'm sure two will be easier than three. But before there were two, when there was just one, the love was there, oh yes, let me tell you it was. But it's grown. Two - fold.

So in the meantime I'm trying to soak up everyday with just the two of them. Knowing that in a few more weeks there will be three. Three of them. It frightens me, excites me. And often baffles me. Three. Two. There used to be just one. And oh, what a special one he is.

Everything about him is special. Before there was one I wouldn't have believed the love I could have for someone I'd never met. Someone I'd only known a brief minute would totally win me over, forever.

But he is just as special. His smile and his soft little hands are especially special. He wasn't the first, but that doesn't make him any less mine. He is all mine. And I love him entirely, with every beat of my heart. So much. In fact before there were two I would've laughed if you told me how special he would be, just as special, though different from his brother.

 

And before there were two, I wouldn't have believed it was possible to love another baby as much as I loved my first. Before there was two I'd think you were crazy. But I was the one who was crazy. Crazy wrong. Crazy in love with not just one, but two, and soon there will be three. Three to snuggle, three to worry about day in and day out. Three noses to wipe, three foreheads to kiss goodnight, three little belly's to tickle. Three, and they are all mine.

And I know he will be as special as the other two. He might not be the first, but he will be my last and that makes him especially special.