Friday, January 22, 2010

rock a bye.

last night i had both boys fed, bathed, jammied up and in their beds by 7:40. i was so proud, i did it all alone, since daddy m was working out of town. i checked on everyone before pouring myself an extra large glass of reisling and more than once said outloud "damn you are such a bad ass" and "wow you've got this double kid thing down". i kept looking at the oven clock, 7:43, 7:45, this has to be wrong. this is too good to be true.

well it wasnt wrong, i was just a bad ass, with two soundly snuggled boys, a tall glass of wine and a warm spot on a cozy couch, alone. it was 7:59 the minute i got situated, one second after my first sip, i heard the first night cry. it was max, it was a muffled fuss so i thought "i'll give him a few minutes and see what happens, maybe he just had a quick bad dream (about a shortage of milk)" but the cry didn't stop and became a pissed "mom where the hell are you" type cry. then i thought oh shit maybe his leg is stuck in the damn crib slat again. you'd think with how plump and luscious it is it wouldn't even fit through, but it does. 8:04 i gave in, i'm coming max.

turns out no appendages were stuck in between the crib slats, my spoiled rotten baby just wanted a snuggle and a bit of warm milk. i scooped up all 17 lbs of his blubber and sat in the glider i rarely use. the room was dark with just a little light peaking through the rocket ship nightlight. he put his chubby, soft, somewhat chilly hand on my cheek and was instantly soothed. i fed him and he gobbled it up, slowly drifting to the land of nod. i thought, that was easy, maybe too easy? oh well he's drowsy it's time to get back to my reisling. just as i stood up to lay him down, i heard it. a muffled cry of hysterics for daddy. great 8:11 and mason is up. too easy indeed.

i shouted down the stairs "mommy didn't leave come upstairs to max's room". no quicker than i disclosed my location was there a 3 foot almost 3 year old in super hero jammies pitter pattering in to a nursery he always refused to sleep in. all the talking and yelling of my whereabouts woke up the little snoozing maximo. of course right? i mean who did i think i was getting off that easy, on a night home alone, you really thought you were going to drink wine for hours before bed, alone. ha. we'll show you mama.

i sat back in the glider, though this time it was warm and familiar. baby on the left, big boy on the right. we sat there together and rocked. and rocked. and i sang and mason rubbed his hair, twirling it between his soft as infant hands through it. he touched my cheek, eerily similar to how baby had just ten minutes prior. this big boy isn't so big, he's still my baby. he wants to rock too. so we kept rocking. we were comforted by the sound of waves crashing on rocks. we were rocking and gliding away. i closed my eyes and tried to stash this memory deep in my brain to a place i could pull the file out and remember it when i was dancing (and probably sobbing) with my big boy at his wedding. will his hands feel as soft? will he still look at me like i'm his hero? i held him closer.

everyone was breathing deep, in sync, quietly but audibly. max would exhale and mase would take a deep breath in. euphoria. i went to kiss the top of max's head and it smelled strongly of johnson's lavender calm. all to quickly i remembered june 23, it smelled like newborn. he's grown so big, he's changed so much. i kissed his forehead and again tried to stash this memory in the same file where i could pull it out when he was running off the soccer field, sweaty and i'd kiss his head. it wouldn't even smell like second best to newborn head johnsons lavender calm. he would be all grown up. would he still love to be hugged and held tight? would he still look at me and smile so big that my heart felt like imploding? i held him closer.

everyone was still. no more hair twirling, restless moving. no more crying. i didn't want to move and not for fear of waking them up so i could get back to my surely warm by now wine. i didn't want to move because i realized i wouldn't be able to rock them forever. i held them as close and tight as i could and took a deep breath and opened my eyes to study their perfection. it was 8:40, a wholw hour past bedtime and i thought this is too good to be true.
i had the best seat in the house, the glider.

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